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Boy Wonder rewrites a Christmas classic

The holiday spirit has its claws in Ian, my 5-year-old son, and he has embraced a favorite seasonal song. He can’t get through it without laughing. You know it. It starts: “Jingle bells, Batman smells/Robin laid an egg … “

But this being Ian, the boy wonder and superhero fanatic, if there’s one Christmas song about superheroes that makes him chuckle well then why not four, five or six more. The other night as he fought sleep, Ian decided to invent additional verses for the “Batman smells” classic, riffing on all sorts of heroes. Here are his new songs:

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Jingle bells, Captain America smells

Bucky cracked an egg.

Capmobile lost a wheel.

And Red Skull got away, hey!

HULK

Jingle bells, Hulk smells

Red Hulk smashed an egg.

Hulkvan lost a wheel

And Abomination got away, hey!

SPIDER-MAN

Jingle bells, Spider-Man smells

Ice-Man froze an egg.*

SpideyMobile lost a wheel.

Green Goblin got away, hey!

* He went with Ice-Man as Spidey’s “sidekick” because of that cartoon “Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends” from the early 1980s. I’m one proud papa.

X-MEN

Jingle bells, Cyclops smells

Wolverine sliced an egg.

X-plane lost a wing

And Magneto got away, hey!

HAWKEYE/AVENGERS

Jingle bells, Hawkeye smells

Mockingbird laid an egg.

Hawkmobile lost a wheel.

And Ultron got away, hey!

THOR

Jingle bells, Thor smells

Odin lost his eye.

The Thormobile lost a wheel

And Loki got away

So if you’re going caroling this weekend or at all this season perhaps you’d like to drop one of Ian’s new tunes into your canon. I suggested that maybe he should pick some more well-known superheroes for his variations — maybe Superman or Green Lantern.

"Marvel now, daddy," he said. "We’ll get to DC later."

Filed under the quotable ian spider-man comics batman thor

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COMIC RELIEF: The cover of the week. Marvel’s Fear Itself, Book Five. The fifth chapter of Marvel’s summer event comic is simply called “Brawl.” There’s truth in advertising. Thor takes up his hammer against two former colleagues who have been transformed by mystical (evil) hammers of their own — Hulk and The Thing. Captain America fights the Red Skull’s daughter, and, at one point, Spider-Man tells the series’ baddest baddie, Odin’s brother The Serpent, to “suck it, Beardo.” That does not go well for the web-slinger. Brawl, indeed. The standard covers for the Fear Itself series — and all its spin-offs — usually feature three strips, with the comic’s title flanked by an extreme closeup. The standard cover for Book Five is striking, especially with the sneak peek at Iron Man forging a sword. It’s the variant by Stuart Immonen that best captures the spirit of the issue and Matt Fraction’s Hollywood blockbuster-friendly script, showing Thor, hammer crackling, braced for the swings of Hulk and The Thing. This whole story reads like Die Hard or Independence Day for superheroes — Gods serving as terrorists, outnumbered protagonists, massive destruction of familiar buildings, snappy one-liners (Thor to Hulk after firing a hammer through The Thing’s chest cavity: “And him I liked.”), Iron Man finding courage in alcohol, again, and so on. The past covers I’ve written about had some sort of social subplot (last week) or artistic panache (two weeks before that). The above cover doesn’t do subtle. Comics don’t always have to have great meanings. Every once in awhile it’s good to take a Mjölnir to pretense and deliver a rip-roaring battle royale between absurdly muscle-bound good guys and venom-spewing villains. That’s what this cover promises, and that’s what this issue delivers — right down to the walk-away line Captain America, his shield reduced to shards, delivers like any Saturday matinee hero: “We’re going to lose.” 

COMIC RELIEF: The cover of the week. Marvel’s Fear Itself, Book Five. The fifth chapter of Marvel’s summer event comic is simply called “Brawl.” There’s truth in advertising. Thor takes up his hammer against two former colleagues who have been transformed by mystical (evil) hammers of their own — Hulk and The Thing. Captain America fights the Red Skull’s daughter, and, at one point, Spider-Man tells the series’ baddest baddie, Odin’s brother The Serpent, to “suck it, Beardo.” That does not go well for the web-slinger. Brawl, indeed. The standard covers for the Fear Itself series — and all its spin-offs — usually feature three strips, with the comic’s title flanked by an extreme closeup. The standard cover for Book Five is striking, especially with the sneak peek at Iron Man forging a sword. It’s the variant by Stuart Immonen that best captures the spirit of the issue and Matt Fraction’s Hollywood blockbuster-friendly script, showing Thor, hammer crackling, braced for the swings of Hulk and The Thing. This whole story reads like Die Hard or Independence Day for superheroes — Gods serving as terrorists, outnumbered protagonists, massive destruction of familiar buildings, snappy one-liners (Thor to Hulk after firing a hammer through The Thing’s chest cavity: “And him I liked.”), Iron Man finding courage in alcohol, again, and so on. The past covers I’ve written about had some sort of social subplot (last week) or artistic panache (two weeks before that). The above cover doesn’t do subtle. Comics don’t always have to have great meanings. Every once in awhile it’s good to take a Mjölnir to pretense and deliver a rip-roaring battle royale between absurdly muscle-bound good guys and venom-spewing villains. That’s what this cover promises, and that’s what this issue delivers — right down to the walk-away line Captain America, his shield reduced to shards, delivers like any Saturday matinee hero: “We’re going to lose.” 

Filed under comics marvel thor avengers